The Sock Exchange

When I embarked on the journey of fatherhood no one told me one of the “joys” I had to look forward to would be loss of personal property. It must be one of those taboo subjects that everyone knows exists but never talk about it, like when one’s family discovers that Uncle John has a hidden passion for anchovies on his pizza.

A few years back, I noticed certain personal items of mine were disappearing, namely my socks. Now, to my way of thinking when dirty socks are thrown into the clothes hamper, once they’re washed they should, like a boomerang, return to the place from whence they were thrown. But this wasn’t happening.You see, about a month or two after buying a drawer full of new white athletic socks, I noticed not all of them were returning to me after I threw them into the hamper.

An intense investigation revealed that eldest son, in a moment of teenage delusion, had been “mistakenly” grabbing my socks instead of his own out of the hot dryer.Unfortunately for me, eldest son had worn said socks, and no shoes mind you, while playing several sandlot football games in the mud and rain—he figured he’d be in deep ditty if he muddied up his new $200. 00 basketball shoes, so of course, my new socks were the logical substitute.

Well, back to the store I went to purchase another drawer full of socks. This time, however, I had a plan.While at the store, I also bought a laundry pen and put a big capital D on the toes of all my new footwear. There was no way eldest son could unknowingly end up with my socks in his possession.

For a while all was going pretty well with my plan and I began feeling putting smug about it all. Then it happened. One day, I went to the orthopedist about some knee trouble I was having. Not surprisingly, the doc wanted x-rays taken of my knee, which, of course, meant I had to slip out of my jeans and into one of those backless hospital gowns that were obviously designed by an exhibitionist.

As I sauntered down the hall toward the x-ray room, I became acutely aware that I was on the receiving end of a host of odd looks from the nurses and doctors’ assistants. I couldn’t feel a breeze on my hindquarters so I knew wasn’t flashing anyone. Maybe I absent mindedly forgot to put on my 18-hour deodorant and it was now in its 19th hour. A quick, nonchalant, sniff of my right armpit eased those fears, so why the stares? Then I noticed that the eyes of all who were staring at me were focused downward, toward the floor. MY SOCKS! I’d gotten so used to wearing socks with a big D on the toes that I completely forgot about it.

My first impulse was to quickly bend over and rip those suckers from off my feet. But one doesn’t bend over in public when one is wearing a funny little medical gown; not unless one wishes to remind others of that great old Creedence Clearwater song, “I See a Bad Moon a Risin’.”

So I was stuck and I did the only thing I could do. Mustering what dignity I had left, I proudly strolled down that hallway as if there was nothing abnormal about wearing socks with a big letter written on their toes. Who knows? Maybe everyone would think it was some new fashion trend, bu that hope was dashed moments later by the x-ray technician.

I confidently walked into the room and the technician promptly ordered me to lie down on the ice-cold x-ray table. As the tech was maneuvering the machine over my knees she spied the D on my socks and began to hoot and holler.

“What the heck is the letter D doing on the toes of your socks?” she loudly asked.

Red-faced with embarrassment, I quietly told her of my stocking woes. Then she really started cackling and tears ran down her face as she lost her balance and slumped against a wall in a fit of laughter.

“Oh that’s too much,” she managed to say between laughs. “That is just too funny!”

Before I could ask her to keep it our little secret, she burst out of the room and ran down the hall bellowing, “Hey, everyone, you’re not going to believe this…!”

Soon, everybody in the building rushed to the x-ray room for a gander at my feet, and that, I’m afraid, was just the opening battle of the war over my possessions.

The very next morning I saw eldest son wearing one of my favorite T-shirts as he ran to catch the school bus. As I watched my favorite shirt disappear into the distance, worrying about what would become of it by day's end, I found myself singing that great lament of a song concerning one’s offspring, "Should’ve Had Dogs.”

8 comments:
skrpndiva said...
OMG, you are so hilarious. Imagine my surprise to see that you'd written today rather than Monday!That's a great idea though. May have to do that once my ds is wearing the same size as my dh.
Sunday, July 22, 2007 10:34:00 PM EDT
Valerie said...
pretty freaking funny.i have this image of you, strutting down the hall to the melodic strains of "Stayin' Alive," ala John Travolta.gotta love that.
Monday, July 23, 2007 8:00:00 PM EDT
cmk said...
Love the story. Thankfully, my daughters didn't find too many of my things appealing--I don't know WHAT I would have done, as I am very possessive of my stuff. :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2007 12:42:00 AM EDT
McSwain said...
That is FUNNY! Hopefully I won't have to worry about my son borrowing my clothes. Now there's a scary thought--I'll dismiss it quickly.I used to borrow my dad's socks, too, and his t-shirts to sleep in.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007 5:09:00 AM EDT
Renae said...
The things we do as parents to prove a point, LOL !! I have been in a few situations myself where all was good and then it backfired on me when I least expected it!! Take care and be blessed!!!
Thursday, July 26, 2007 11:47:00 AM EDT
Britmum said...
Thats so bloody funny.Scragend looses his socks to Sam already but I am afraid that is my fault. Geez how am I supposed to know?Take care xx
Thursday, July 26, 2007 10:22:00 PM EDT
Debbie said...
With big man toes I'm sure you were better off keeping them covered up.Man toes are not sexy! hahaha
Saturday, July 28, 2007 2:05:00 AM EDT
Rachel said...
What a funny story!! Yep, it's a good thing you didn't bend over in that little gown, what with that bad moon and all!! LOL That was a creative way to keep your own socks though! Playing basketball in socks; they sure won't last long that way!
Saturday, July 28, 2007 6:56:00 PM EDT